The Tough Talks

Written by Melissa Webb


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​No one said parenting would be easy.
​I'm sure of that.

No one told me how difficult parenting would be. Besides, let’s be honest, I probably wouldn't have listened. 

There are some TOUGH TALKS parents have to have with children. It can be downright uncomfortable.

For example, how does one prepare to talk to her children about death, divorce, or job loss? Those topics are challenging in and of themselves. 

And those seem like the "easy" topics compared to the news we see and hear every day.
 

• Sexual Abuse
• School Shootings
• Kidnapping
• Human Trafficking
• Bombings
• Murders
• Police Brutality
• Riots
• Domestic Terrorism

Over the past three decades, my husband and I have spoken to our children on tough topics, but as a teacher, I've had many difficult and heartbreaking conversations as well.

These experiences qualify me to share the things that have worked with children of all ages in the hopes they may work for you too. 

If nothing else, they are free thoughts that you are welcome to adopt. 

1. There is no perfect time to have a serious conversation with children. Some times may be “better” or “worse,” but don’t wait for the ideal moment to come. Take a deep breath, fill your heart with love, and go. 
2. Find out what the child knows first. We sometimes assume children know and understand more than they do. Other times they know far more than we ever realized. Secure your footing before you dive in. 
3. Only answer children's exact questions. Don’t give more information than they requested. They’ll ask if they need or want more details. Giving them unnecessary particulars or imagery can be upsetting and increase their anxiety level.
4. Assure children that they are loved and safe with you. 
5. Validate children's emotions and feelings. It’s normal and natural to be scared, sad, mad and confused from time to time. Avoid telling them not to feel a certain way. Allow and discuss all emotions. Ask them, “What does sad feel like to you? For me, it feels dark and heavy in my mind and body. It makes me want to be alone and quiet.”
6. Add clarifying sentences into your dialogue. “I’m upset. But I’m not upset with you.”
7. Remind children that you are willing to listen anytime, anywhere. You can talk to me. I’m here for you. Do you have questions? Do you want to talk?
8. Ask for children's perspective on things. This tip is best with older children (8+). “What do you think about what you’ve heard or seen?” Ask questions - then listen.
9. Discuss solutions together. “What would you do if you were in charge?” “What might solve this problem?” If the child answers, “I don’t know,” accept that answer with an affirmative nod and wonder out loud. “Do you think this would help?”
10. Find the positives and call attention to them. Look for the heroes. When bad things happen, good people show up and stand up. Find and focus on those people. Be those people. Brainstorm ways to be the light for someone else. 

These methods and approaches have worked for me over the years and will hopefully offer value on your parenting journey. It isn't easy, but it's much better together. 

What are some of the ways you handle good, tough talks with your kids? Feel free to share in the comments below. 

WAYS TO WORK WITH ME